All Those Lovely, Scattered Pieces
by RaeAnne
Summary: Post Journey's End. "I'm giving her back to you, to us. I thank you for giving her to me, she did make me better. I did need her and our years together were...they were everything we dream about but Rose made her choice all those years ago. She chose you, she chose that forever..." The Doctor and Rose meet again, because nothing is impossible when you are willing. Rose/10.5 Rose/10
1. I Have Loved the Stars Too Fondly

**AN: **Pretend the series stopped at Journey's End. Pretend nothing canon happened after...Pretend the Doctor left his meta-crisis clone and Rose, and went traveling alone.

Pretend that the clone and the Doctor shared a bit of a telepathic link.

Pretend that Rose was more special than anyone fully realized.

Pretend that some things just are meant to be and that those things will _always_ find a way.

Remember that this is Doctor Who and they specialize in the impossible...

Remember that the the clone is the Doctor and the Doctor is the clone, but Rose is still Rose and there is only one of her.

Remember.

**DISCLAIMER:** All characters not mine, I'm just an emotional, dramatic female playing with toys not mine...leave me alone and no judging!

* * *

**All Those Lovely, Scattered Pieces**

_**Part One: I Have Loved the Stars Too Fondly**_

_My Dearest Rose,_

_ There is no easy way to say this, __to__ explain this, all I can say is I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm sorry that I've kept my...illness hidden from you. It wasn't fair certainly, it wasn't right but I know what it is like to lose someone you love, I know it far too well. As it was, the situation we found ourselves in with your timeline and mine, I didn't want to rob the time we had left of the joy and the realness, our time was too short already.__ I know you so well my dear Rose, and I know you know me better than any human ever has and I know as mad as you are now, as much as you hate me for this, you'll forgive me and you'll understand...someday._

_ These past 35 years have been greatest of my life. I know I was born in fire, battle, blood and war but my memories of the lives past have been constant company. The man you made, the man you reforged from the ashes of genocide, that man more than any other is grateful, and is happy. More than any other being, you made me who I am. _

_ You, Rose Tyler Egann, made me. You are engrained into the fibers of this failing but loyal heart. You taught me to trust and love again. You are the most exceptional and fantastic woman._

_ I don't like leaving you, I've left you too many times. I know it wasn't technically me, but I remember, I know. You've known me through a regeneration, yes I know that wasn't really me, but I've still those memories and I've loved you since those very first days...my tenacious shop girl with the hoodies and big smile. I do not know why things happen like they do. If I could change this I certainly would, I've certainly tried._

_ Please believe that. Believe that I've exhausted ever avenue, every opportunity and possibility. All the great minds that exist on this Earth have tried to change my fate, but some things just are._

_ I'm sorry too for the conclusion I know just you came to._

_ Yes, when we realized a long time ago that you weren't aging as a human should, when we found out about your special circumstance I began to research. When I found out I had cancer my research became imperative. My time with you would be shorter than it was supposed to be, you lost your father, your mother, your brother...and even Mickey. I knew I was your last piece here, I didn't want you to be alone._

_ Don't misunderstand my love, I adore, Eden with everything in me, she has me so wrapped around her little finger. She is, next to you, the love of my everything. She is pure and wonderful and perfect...she's, well she is simply fantastic. I know that is all her mother too._

_ The one part that she does have from is her Time Lord genes __and__ that melded with your unique __biology means she will be with you when I can't. She will be with you and in some small way it means I'll be with you too._

_ Our daughter was the last thing I could give you, but really our little girl was the greatest gift you ever gave me._

_ I don't think it really needs saying any more than I've done, you know. You've always known. I love you. And just as you know I love you, I know you love me...and the Doctor. He's always been in our marriage and as strange as it is to be jealous of yourself, there have been times when I have been. I know __while I am him,__ I'm not him, I know you love me with everything in you, with everything you are...I know because he is me and I am him and we need you and for reasons beyond even my Time Lord brain understanding...you love us, me, him._

_ Give him the other letter, don't read it, well even when you try, (I know you my dear Rose, I know you'll try) it is in Gallifreyan. I know he will come for you. I know he won't leave you alone. The walls of impossible are a bit more...breakable to a Time Lord on a mission. He will break them for you._

_ When he does, love him. Go with him. Be happy with him. He is me, I am him – remember that, it's always been true. Don't, and I know you will try, but don't hold out on him because of some loyalty to me, I want you to be happy, to live your incredible long life with joy and enthusiasm._

_Let him be close to Eden, he will love her as I do, he will show her the stars as I won't be able to. He will teach her about the Time Lords, she is the first, our little Eden and she will change the galaxy._

_ Mostly, and I can't say this enough my Rose, be happy, be brilliant, live a good life. Do that for me, won't you? Have a fantastic life?_

_ Always and allons-y,_

_ Yours eternally, _

_ John_

Rose couldn't breathe. Her chest constricted and squeezed her heart, her lungs. Tears, she didn't know how she had any left, were pouring down her cheeks in tiny rivers. She actually didn't know how the tears were escaping as her eyes were so swollen and puffy that she could hardly see to finish her husbands letter.

Her body convulsed in tiny quakes as she shivered. He was gone. Her John was gone. Not just gone, dead. He was dead.

She felt a wail pushing against her lips and she fought it back with everything in her. She was already falling apart, falling in pieces all over the sandy bay, but she would not wail like a banshee. At least not yet.

He was right, she did hate him in this moment. She was furious, irate, angry and devastated. So devastated.

Two weeks, she had had two weeks to say goodbye to her husband of 30 years. How had she been so blind? How had she missed his battle? How had he kept it from her? She banged her fists on her thighs as she bit back another scream.

"Damn you John Egann, damn you!" she finally cried through gritted teeth.

The wooden boat that bore the great half human, half Time Lord to his final voyage burned with the funeral pyre in the setting sunlight.

It had been easy actually, to hid the 6 year battle that John Egann had fought, like his Rose he didn't show age. He looked as healthy and as fit as he did 35 years previous when he had be forged. Unlike his Rose though he aged internally just as any human did. He was a nearly 70 year old man that had succumbed to brain cancer. Such a _human_ and yet such _inhuman_ way to die, especially for a Time Lord, even half a one.

"Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince;

And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest," Rose managed to quote haltingly around the lumps in her throat, the boulders in her stomach as the breeze whipped at the flames.

In a violent crack of sparks and steam as flames engulfed the wood and hit the water the earthly remains of the meta-crisis clone of the Doctor disappeared from view.

His name was John David Egann.

Beloved husband of Rose Marion Tyler-Egann

Adored father of Eden Victoria Egann.

* * *

Across the universes a mad man in a blue box hit his knees as a searing pain ripped through his brain, apart his hearts and left him void and paralyzed.

He felt the carefully constructed barrier in his mind that stood guard between his mind and that of his clone disintegrate into ashes. A mass of pain, so much pain, and fear engulf his hyper sensitive synapses. It sent him into a hyperbolic shock.

Memories. Thoughts. Feelings. 35 years of lost..._thing__s_invaded the Doctor. In an unending onslaught of memories that weren't his, but were. He saw through his eyes, he felt with his hearts, understood with his mind...but it wasn't him.

The images were too fast to understand, to see, to process, but the feelings. Oh, those were real and they were searing themselves into him with a burning intensity that was lighting him from the inside.

One singular feeling override them all in the end.

Need.

The summation of the barrage that the Doctor had just endured from his clone was that the clone, the man, him, but not him, needed him. Was pleading for him.

His clone was dead.

Rose.

What of Rose...The Doctor tried to claw at the memories that had thrust themselves upon him but could not extract anything that belonged solely to his Rose.

Panic filled the Doctor as the TARDIS began to vibrate and seemed to lose its perch within the vortex. He was still unable to move, he lay on the grating as his ship hurtled to unknown ends. Horror griped him anew, he could not physically move to guide his ship in whatever disturbance it was hurtling through. He could only guess at the damage and harm that would befall them both before he regained his bodily functions.

His superior, oh so clever, Time Lord mind ran the gamut of a thousand scenarios, a million actions and possibilities regarding both his ship and the death of his clone.

He had had taken such careful precautions to dam up all connections between him and his clone. It was far too dangerous to not. Even if the mental link between him and the clone wasn't a physical detriment between them like it was between Donna and himself the emotional ramifications just weren't something he was willing to take on.

The clone was him, he was the clone...but they were so completely different. From the moment Rose kissed his clone he had to sever ties. It changed in that moment. They, he and his clone, were no longer sharing a single mind but his clone was feeling things different, was experiencing different things. He could not endure feeling Rose's kiss second hand...even if his lips had tasted it first.

So he dammed it up. Her with her Doctor in her world...he, forever alone in his blue box, an impenetrable eternal wall between.

Just as his mind happened to fall on the impenetrable eternal wall the TARDIS jerked madly and the Doctor was thrown and another wave of searing pain through him. It was the pain of the TARDIS..and of his Rose. He gasped as his head throbbed and stars burst behind his eyes.

He saw flames.

He smelled smoke.

He tasted tears.

He heard Rose's sobs.

Rose was projecting through the TARDIS, some part of his thought process registered.

_How? _

He felt himself black out just as he felt the TARDIS break though a wall that was impenetrable, that was eternal.

His last coherent thought before his world went black was that it wasn't possible, later he would swear he heard someone him, but not him whisper _"Her loving us is what's impossible, doesn't change the fact that she does though. Love her back."_

* * *

Rose stood until the bay was completely dark. She stayed watching the spot where her husband had disappeared under the water. Her tears had stopped sometime before, but she didn't remember when. Her body ached and her fingers, toes and face were frozen and chapped from the harsh Norwegian winter. Somewhere a part of her was wishing hypothermia would kick in, she wouldn't die naturally from old age and she had proven to be rather resilient to normal everyday viruses and the like...the only way she'd ever hope to reunite with John would be through a rather wicked death.

She almost wished it.

She was tired of losing. Of constantly being denied forever with her love. Constantly being left. She was so tired of it! She choked down another curse of her dead husband as it was bringing up tears and hot pain again.

Cold was far preferable to the searing heat of pain.

She almost wished to be united with John in death, but not quite.

Not at all really.

There was a sleeping little girl with always wild brown hair, inquiring and inquisitive mind, a penchant for bananas and the color blue and pink fuzzy hoodies. A little girl with her eyes but everything else wonderful about her John...her Doctor.

She would never leave her little girl, no, she knew how it felt to be left and she'd never do that to her daughter. Ever. Besides, she wanted to be with her too much. She wanted to watch her grow up and live her wonderful life. Her beautiful little girl had already lost her father, she would not lose her mum too.

She went to leave, she tried to move her feet but she was frozen in place. Her body icy and hard, to leave would be leave him forever, to leave him... She promised not to leave him. Tears started again, shivers broke over her again dislodging the ice about her heart and turning it again to searing pain.

Alone in her grief she barely registered the distinct sound that was filling the air. It was a sound she hadn't heard in 35 years.

She stumbled in shock, in disbelief. Delirium was setting in.

She was hearing things.

She was seeing things.

She had to be dying. She was dying and the TARDIS was the chariot her mind decided would carry her to whatever was beyond.

The TARDIS with it's low thrawping sound faded into piercing clear reality.

Her jaw dropped. She had to be dying.

She moved to awkwardly hug her thin black trench coat to her body and push her hair from her face.

From the blue box stumbled a man. A man that when she looked upon him in the faint light from atop the TARDIS made her sure that she had found her way across to the other side of life, found her way across to where death dwelt.

It was John...but it _wasn't _John. She knew that while he looked him, exactly like him, it wasn't. It wasn't her husband. Demon. It had to be some kind of vile, kind of purgatory demon.

"Rose..." the man not John breathed, looked quite as confused as she felt. He sounded like John.

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the apparition away. It wasn't real. She had to get back to Eden.

"Rose Tyler!" the apparition called again to her and advanced toward her.

"You're not real! Go away! Shoo!" she screamed at him for lack of anything better to do. She struggled to get away without turning her back on it. She knew enough from her years at Torchwood...and with the Doctor, her brain slow and lethargic – like her body from the cold, paused to cry out silently at the thought of the Doctor, to know whatever it was it was best not turn her back on it or break line of sight.

"Rose...it's me, the Doctor," the apparition stated firmly.

"No you're not!" she yelled her ire growing, drying her tears, "I know the Doctor, you might look like him...but you're not! He can't come back here, ever! He left me! He can't come back! Now leave me alone! This is..." she fumbled over her thick tongue. What did she want to say? This is where I burned my husband? This is where I said goodbye to the Doctor, the _real _Doctor not once, but twice? What did she want to say, that it was some kind of consecrated, holy ground? It was to her, but she doubted anyone, especially not demons, as this...thing, surely was would understand that.

"Rose, look at me! Really look at me!" the man advanced quickly on her, too quickly.

She tripped over her own feet and start to fall backwards, he seized her by the shoulders, "Rose Tyler look at me! Look into my eyes...Its me...the night I met you I rescued you from the Auton...we were in the elevator...you thought the whole thing was a ruse done by students. Do you remember? The night we met? Rose, it's me...it's me. I'm here..."  
It sounded so like John, her John...she couldn't take it any more. The Doctor...John...so she gave up. She went from sobbing as she struggled against a hold that was familiar in so many ways. John..the Doctor. Too overwhelming. She gave in then. Gave into the blackness, for just a bit, just a while. Just for a few minutes of blissful forgetting ...blackness.

Her eyes fell closed and Rose Marion Tyler-Egann passed out in the arms of the Doctor she thought was impossible.

* * *

When Rose came to again she was in her old room in the TARDIS and it looked like it hadn't been touched. For a brief moment she might have been...all those years ago, readying for an adventure with her Doctor, being giddy for a werewolf, or dressing for seeing Elvis perform. But that was so long ago, another lifetime really.

Quite literally another life time, or at least timeline.

She had died since then.

Married.

Had a child...

"Eden!" she cried sitting bolt straight and throwing the blanket as she clamored from the bed.

She momentarily was distracted by the fact that gone was her black skirt suit and matching trench and in its place were familiar sweats and pink hoodie. _He kept them? After all these years?_ She wasn't sure why she was surprised considering the expansive wardrobe, but somehow she she was. For a brief second she wished he hadn't, she wished she had meant more than that, that he hadn't been able to look at them because he missed her so much, instead of just adding them to the pile. She gathered her clothes which he had left sitting on a chair, he wouldn't be adding these to his horde.

Of course it was dawning on her in these fleeting seconds of her scattered thoughts that perhaps she should be more concerned with how he was even _here_! It was him, she had accepted it now, she didn't know how it was, how he...well was, but it didn't change the facts. John had also said in his letter that the Doctor would come...

_"He needs you, that is very me"._

The words fluttered back into her conscious as she stumbled the familiar path to the console room.

She found the Doctor in the jump seat head in his hands. She approached gently, though not silently, she didn't want to sneak up on him.

"Doctor," she forced the name out, she surprised herself by keeping her voice steady.

The Doctor flinched, whipping his body around to look at her.

He stared at her, face blank, and just stared. "Rose...when...when is it?" his eyes stayed trained on her.

So he truly didn't know, she had always wondered, been curious if had suspected or maybe guessed at it. She fought an internal battle on whether to wait until she was back with Eden before explaining the story, but as much as she wanted back with her daughter, the fact she had a daughter that looked exactly like John..thereby the Doctor was going to be another story in and of itself. Eden was safe with Sarah and there was much, so much that needed to explained here.

So many impossible things.

"It is four days after my husband died...it's 35 years since you left him and me here on Bad Wolf Bay..." she answered softly.

He blinked and looked her up and down and blinked again, "How is that possible?"

"You never were one for idle smalltalk..." she bit more unkindly then she meant, but she had still lost her husband and he hadn't even said he was sorry.

The Doctor caught his misstep, "I'm being rude again aren't I?" he muttered, "Sorry, I'm still rather rubbish at this part...the being sensitive part."

She wanted to tell him she knew that quite well, that John...that John up until the end still needed her to remind him of his manners and keep him balanced. She held her tongue.

"We discovered a few years after you...you left that I was looking...particularly good for my age. We went to a few normal doctors for our yearly physicals and what not, as we should. Everything came back perfect, no problems... It soon was rather obvious however that I was different. That it wasn't that I was just aging slowly or had great genes, I wasn't aging at all.

"I was still working at Torchwood...John, that's..." she fumbled for a word, to call him a clone, especially out loud was just cruel, it seemed to diminish all that he was. He was a man, he lived, he loved...and he died as a man, not as a clone.

The Doctor quickly picked up on her struggle, perhaps even saw the tears in her eyes as she said his name, "John is...was" a tear slid down her cheek, "a Doctor, he taught university here and lead research teams at Torchwood...he, physically looked like he wasn't aging either, but his physicals were showing that he was aging just as a man of his age should...internally. Image wise, his features I'd guess you'd say, it turned out aged as well, but at a greatly decreased rate."

"But me? Well...I don't. I haven't aged passed 20... not a day past 20 years, 3 months and 6 days to be exact..." her eyes fell.

The Doctor's brows scrunched together, he was going back through her timeline she was sure, he would find it and connect it much fast then she did, then the whole of Torchwood and extended research facilitates did. Just like her John did, but did say for quite a long time.

"The day you looked into the TARDIS..."

"Yeah...that's the magic date...As best as we were able to figure out with genetic testing and DNA mapping and using John's biology as comparison, my DNA was somehow altered when I absorbed the TARDIS energy. Not by Time Lord DNA, it's something different, something akin, but very different. It altered the aging properties and my immune system. I rarely, if ever get colds, never had the flu...I'm healthy as a horse, as an apparently immortal, un-aging horse," she felt the tears of frustration wash over her. Frustration and the pure impossible absurdness of it all. She, the human...the one with the short little lifespan was not only living her second timeline but was apparently also something very akin to an immortal.

"John, found out he had stage 2 brain cancer 6 years ago, he kept it from me. My half human, half Time Lord husband gets stricken with brain cancer...of all the things!" she gestured wildly as tears were silently running down her cheeks, "He kept it from me, damn him. He kept it from me...he researched all possible avenues. Everything from gene therapy using artificially grown Time Lord genes, to modified cells from me, since I have this screwy DNA...nothing worked. There was no cure, no treatment."

"So, my already shortened forever with him...since I will apparently live forever and all... But he ...he aged just like you said he would, like an ordinary man. I never could really fathom what it might be like...to know you had forever while one you love just a flicker of that... Once 80 years seemed like...well forever, it seemed so large and big and vast...it's nothing but a blip, a little tiny spec and I was robbed not just of my forever with you," she slapped a hand over her mouth, horrified that she had let that slip, she hadn't meant to...she rushed on, hoping to cover it, "I was robbed of so many years with John..."

The Doctor, in what could have been his longest stretch of silence stared her, still quiet, unmoving.

"Now, you answer questions! How are you here? Why are you here?" she demanded.

The Doctor swallowed, "I don't know...I have no idea, I just am...but Rose," he stood closing distance between them.

Rose thought she knew what he was going to do, she wanted to bolt, she wanted to run. This wasn't her John, he was different...so much the same, but different... but to look at him, he was the same and she wanted to bolt because she knew what he was going to do.

"Rose I'm sorry, so sorry..." and the Doctor hugged her.

Her Doctor, her John. They were same, they were different. Oh, but how they were the same. She stiffened as he hugged her, he just hugged her tighter.

He hugged her until her walls melted and she, sobbing into his shoulder, hugged him back.

He smelled like her Doctor, the silly thought flitted around somewhere in her brain. He didn't smell like John, he smelled like her Doctor. That was reassuring and _right_ in someway. Even if you took away everything that she and Doctor meant to each other...and that was a rather impossible task, he had always been her dearest friend and confidant. Her life with him...well that was the stuff of legends and wonder. So even if it was agony of another color, parts of her soul that had been dormant couldn't help but rejoice at being hugged by him again.

"Please Doctor...there is more...so much more, but I...there is one piece of all this I don't think I can tell you...I think you have to see it." Rose pulled away from the Doctor, "But...I can't have you traipsing around here either...not when..." Why really didn't need to be said.

Rose was completely at a loss, "I just...I just can't believe...and you...?" she hoped that he was still as good at reading between her flustered nonsensical sentences as he had always been.

He was. "All I know is I was in orbit around Alpha Centurion 4, when a pain like I've seldom come close to feeling before hit me...as best as I can guess it was roughly 4 Earth days ago...I believe I was feeling...John," the Doctor hesitated over the name, the name he took when it was necessary he have one other than Doctor, "I believe I was feeling John pass. It paralyzed me...something that I don't think you probably knew, I don't think even...John, knew...we, he and I, had a link. A telepathic link. It wasn't something we used, nor was it, or at least I didn't think it was, all that strong as of late...I didn't realize it was there until...well until you kissed him for the first time. I felt it as strongly as if you had kissed me. I shut the link down, I thought permanently, but there were times, brief and very far between where I would loose focus and an extreme emotion would break through. They were all good emotions...I didn't know what caused them or why, I could identify them but the mental feel...The feel of memories not mine...but with my genetic signature and...mark. Memories and emotions of being loved and happy that were so clearly not mine would break through now and again."

"When John died, as best as I can figure, that gaping wound ripped the dam in my mind so completely that everything flooded in. Emotions...colors without form, pictures without images...the emotions are written pathways in my mind and hearts but they've no connection to how John lived...I don't know how, I only know the resulting emotions..." the Doctor was pacing.

"I believe days passed as John's soul reached where ever it is that souls go...I have no connection with him any more...nothing even hinting in my mind. During this the TARDIS was shaken, again I don't know by what or how, I only know it was shaken from orbit and it hissed and screamed in a violent manner while being banged and rolled through time and space, I truthfully thought she was going to be ripped apart in the vortex."

"It was during that time that I...I saw your pain. I saw images projected through the TARDIS. The link that the TARDIS and I share. That link I have with the TARDIS is symbiotic...we feed into and out of each other. She doesn't use words and it isn't as advanced but she uses the senses and images to convey what she needs when she's in great need, when she's hurt... She felt you Rose. She felt you on this beach. She smelled the smoke from...a pyre? You gave him a Viking burial didn't you?"

Rose's face was ashen and she quivered like any moment she was going to keel over, the Doctor went to her and guided her to the jump seat.

"Yes...I did."

"The TARDIS knew. She grieved with you...I don't know for sure...but I believe it was the combined pain of John and you...it broke down the wall inside of my mind and it literally tore a whole in time and space to bring you...well me, it's the only thing that the TARDIS could probably think to do..." the Doctor's voice was part amazed awe and part regret, "I'm sorry that we can't bring John back. If I could, know I would give him back to you... If I could..."

Rose hadn't lost her ability to guess the Doctor's words either and she lifted her hand to cover his mouth, "Don't you dare say it..." She kept her hand there until he nodded in submission.

"I think...I think John called the TARDIS and I here..." the Doctor added quietly.

Rose's tears started again and she squeezed her eyes shut, "Yeah...that's very..." she meant to say John, but it was also the Doctor. They both looked out for her, always. Always putting her first and worrying about her, looking after her...trying to sacrifice themselves for her, hell even Eden at 3 worried more over her mum than any toddler should. Stupid, stupid Time Lord DNA made them all bloody daft!

The Doctor pulled Rose to him and hugged her again, cradling her against his chest.

"Where is Jackie and Pete? Are they going to be looking for you?" The Doctor rubbed her back.

Rose sniffled into his pinstripe jacket, "No...Jackie and Pete were...they were killed in a yachting accident in France ten years ago. My brother, Noah, ...he was with them."

The Doctor held Rose away, "Bloody hell, Rose Tyler...you've lost..._everyone_..." Horrified didn't even began to cover his expression and tone.

Rose wiped at her eyes and her red nose, "...that is kind of the rest of the story..." she took a deep breath, "Do you have a tissue?" she asked, so stuffed up, her lips swollen and eyes stinging.

The Doctor dug around his pockets, which she knew to be, like his TARDIS, much larger on the inside. He came up with a packet of tissues.

"You've lost...everyone, oh Rose...I am sorry, so very sorry..." he kept rubbing her arm.

"Not everyone, that's what I've been trying to get around to telling you..." she took a steadying breath, "Well, you better I guess come along...you can read this on the way," Rose finally finding some kind of bearings stood and brushed the Doctor away. There would be plenty of falling apart and tears she knew coming, but right now she had to get to her daughter and get this part with the Doctor over.

"What's this?" the Doctor quirked an eyebrow at the envelope she handed him, "that's my hand writing..."

"No, that's John's hand writing...I thought he had gone 'round the bend when he gave me that...said I would know when to give it to you. I don't rightly know that I'm giving it to you at the right time, but they say there's no time like the present..." she was moving very quickly to the door, then paused and swung back around, "I think he knew...about the link, maybe not...but after what you said, I think he did. He said you'd come for me...I didn't believe, I thought he was nutters, but you did. You came...I think he knew." Then like a flash she was moving out the door again, the Doctor at her heels.

* * *

Her car was parked just off the verge along the seldom used access road, it wasn't far. She had parked it there as it seemed...well it seemed a violation of some sort to drive across the bay now, since it had born witness to so much. The Doctor didn't remark as she beeped the alarm off and waved for him to enter the passenger side.

Rose got behind the wheel and gripped it tight. In here it smelled like John. She willed herself to keep it together.

"When we discovered our little...aging problem John and I moved here, to Norway. It seemed right. Our place is about twenty minutes from here. People leave us alone, they don't ask questions...we live, we lived," she amended bitterly, "quite undisturbed. We traveled a lot, for lectures and research and all that. We helped build a Torchwood extension in Oslo for research..." Rose found herself rambling, talking to ignore her pain, her emotions, to perhaps forget, just for a moment.

The Doctor showing more restraint than she could ever remember was silent, holding his letter.

"Right, well you better go on and read that...I've a feeling John might explain a few things better than me..." she nodded at him.

The Doctor nodded and slid his finger under the flap and opened the letter that bore his name, his Gallifreyan name.

_Dear...Me,_

_ I found there __is__ no suitable way to address this, the problem I'm sure you'll no doubt find as amusing as I do, since we are the same._

_ Our Rose never fully grasped that you know, not fully. I know when she looks at me she sees you, but she also thinks she sees me, __she thinks she sees two different people__. __But w__e are the same you and I, what an interesting conundrum that is._

_ I also know that you and I shared a telepathic link (I'm, you remember, just as bloody clever __as you__). I know that you dammed it up because feelings of me with Rose were too uncomfortable you, I don't blame you for that._

_ I do however, somewhat blame you for Rose now being alone. I think we knew, when we left her and me here on the bay that she was different, that she was more...and you were giving her a clone __so I could give her __what you, the real Doctor, couldn't. __O__r what you thought you couldn't give her. I think you knew that while I would certainly age just like a human that she would not. I think you, we...knew, we just refused to see it._

_ I think you refused to see it because it scared you, scared you that she might actually get to have forever, that you might actually get to keep her, keep someone with you for all time and that you wouldn't have to be alone any more._

_ I think you, we, were scared that she might resent us for it._

_ I also think you left her here with me because you were afraid you'd hurt her in the end...and because what else could you do with me __but leave me__? We couldn't have a clone running about space, especially not one that had committed genocide on an entire people, but I am still you and you could__n't__ face the idea of exile, again, alone._

_ You gave me Rose. You gave me the one most precious to you, to us. You gave me her instead of fighting to keep her, we could have found a way to keep her in her proper timeline, that is what we do...we solve the impossible. But instead, you gave me Rose to keep me for my years._

_ Maybe it's the human in me, I'm not sure but I find myself very confused over that. I know I gave Rose the greatest life that she could have __had __away from you, away from the adventure and the stars that she so loves. I know I, we, gave her the domestic slow path that no other human could have possibly, __that you couldn't, __but I have lived every single day knowing that if she could have, if you had fought for her, she would have chosen you._

_ You are the real Doctor, I am the clone._

_ She loves me, you, us. She loves me with all that she is, I know this, just as you do, but our Rose was always supposed to be with you._

_ I'm giving her back._

_ I'm giving her back to you, to us. I thank you for giving her to me, she did make me better. I did need her and our years together were...they were everything we dream about but Rose made her choice all those years ago. __S__he chose you, she chose __that __forever, she chose the stars when she broke into our TARDIS to save us. She belongs with the TARDIS, and you...in the stars.__ She chose that, she didn't chose me, not really. She never would have chosen to be away from you, to be separated from you._

_ I'm dead obviously, if you're reading this and you've figured out too that I and Rose called you back. She's probably told you about what we know about her anti-aging and you've sussed out, in that big Time Lord brain of ours, that she __is__ tied to the TARDIS. That Rose's DNA melded with __the __essence of __the TARDIS and that you and the TARDIS tore through the impossible, eternal wall between the parallel words because Rose's soul called to the TARDIS'. Rose and the TARDIS broke the wall in space and I tore down the wall between us. You needed to feel the pain, you needed to know._

_ You needed to come get her, finally._

_There is one more piece to this puzzle and if I know my wife as well as I think I do she hasn't mentioned it to you yet...she's going to show you instead. A few things before she does, you'll know why I did it, you'll understand because...well, you are me and I am you._

_ A few things that you might not understand..._

The Doctor looked up from the letter as the car came to a stop in front of a small house just as the sun was reaching the high point in the sky. The house was grey stone, covered in climbing roses and ivy.

"Give me a minute, yeah? My friend Sarah is here...and while she's more understanding of the impossible than most...having John walk through the door might be just a bit more impossible than she can take right now..." Rose didn't wait for an answer as she slipped from the car.

_What I did, I did for Rose first and foremost. What ended up being...well it was more than I had ever anticipated, ever dreamed or could have ever fathomed. What I did for Rose ended up being possibl__y__ more for me than it ever was for her..._

Again the Doctor paused as he heard the front door of the house open. Rose came out holding the hand of a child.

The Doctor was out of the car before he realized what he was doing and crossing the distance between in great, long legged strides. The letter forgotten on the car seat.

_Her name is Eden. She is human with Time Lord DNA. Her biology is less engineered than you would think. As you know we are not biologically compatible with humans, our reproductive system is rather inactive. Given my hybrid status, given that the most human thing about me, aside from my more emotional brain, is the lack of a second heart my DNA is almost completely Time Lord. Our Rose is completely human but with modified helixes. _

_ It took years of research, years of planning...but we, Rose, me and you, for you are me, __and I am you,__ conceived a child._

_ She is human, she is Time Lord. She ages, but slowly...if my theories are correct, and they very usually are, she'll age to approximately 20 years, 3 months, 6 days. Reproducing results in the lab showed that Rose's cells had been imprinted with the biological information when they were changed... When our Time Lord DNA was introduced to the artificial representation of Rose's egg the...__nature__ rather took over.__ And what a bloody beautiful thing nature can be._

_ I don't know the extent of her Time Lord abilities yet, she is only 3, but she already is trying to establish a telepathic link with her mother and I. She would rather show you what she wants than speak it...so much like her mother she is. I don't know if she'll regenerate, if she can. I do know, and I __am__ very sure of this, that she will live forever. __She will live as Rose lives, as you, Time Lord, will live. __I couldn't know for sure that you'd come for Rose, and I needed to be sure Rose wouldn't be alone._

_ We know what it is to be alone, don't we? We couldn't do that to Rose...you couldn't do that to me._

_ Take __care __of my, our, daughter. She, as you will find, is the most precious thing in all of the worlds. She is everything. She makes us better, she makes us more...she helps us believe that there is __compassion and forgiveness in the world. She is hope and is love._

_ Take care of our daughter, __she __is the first of her kind, the love our entire existence, I'm giving her to you, even though she is already yours._

_ Take care of our Rose, without her we are nothing. She is everything and we need her so very, very much. I love her, I love her more than I think you know, more than you will ever possibly know. But try, try and know her again, love her again...I know you never stopped but she's changed, she's grown. She's still Rose, our Rose, but she's more. I gave her a new last name, a home, a domestic life and we __were __happy, so very happy but now I'm giving her back, I'm giving back what was never truly, rightfully, mine._

_ Show them the stars, give them adventures. Love them, above all else, love them. I am giving them to you, take care of them._

_ - John David Egann, the Doctor._

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**AN: **Sooooo there is very likely going to be more, but not yet. I love this concept and I can't wait to truly reunite the Doctor and Rose...and introduce him to their little girl. I have rated this as T because if I do continue this it will elevate in rating and elevate probably into a high M...so wanted to prep y'all for that...

I know that in this story they don't 'sound' very Doctor and Rose...I took liberties, especially with John, but I hopefully threw in enough ties to the character that you were still attached to them...

I hope you enjoyed this, I know it was rather sad...but I kind of thought there was some joy in there to, and some reconciliations of a sort. I can't hate 10.5, though I find myself very...resentful of him some times, if it wasn't for him I think Rose would have been able to go with her Doctor. I think the Doctor would have fought for her... But anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, I hope you enjoyed and please if you did, or even if you didn't please drop a **review**? They mean so much!

_Oh, and yeah, yeah, plug...but I actually like when an author alerts me to their other stories along the same vein... My other Doctor Who story is called I Am, it's a multi-chaptered story of one shots in what I can only call my I Am universe. In my universe the TARDIS is sentient, very, and connected to Rose and her Doctor, in my universe Rose and the Doctor are reunited on Bad Wolf Bay very shortly after they are first separated. The TARDIS is a very strong voice in that story... That story, so far, has been pretty drama free but pulls on very familiar topics as this one... Same type of story, different timeline._

Much love, RA


	2. To Be Fearful of the Night

**AN: **Well thank you guys, the few that reviewed, truly they were so APPRECIATED! Also a thank you to the follows and favs, it it's awesome to see, and too is appreciated.

I hope that you enjoy this second part, it's a bit...fluffy, just a warning.

Again reviews are so greatly appreciated, it encourages a bit :)

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_**Part Two: ...To Be Fearful of the Night  
(Galileo)**_

She was three, so clearly beautiful, vibrant ...and three. The Doctor found himself standing in front of his little girl but unable to cross some invisible line that would let him touch her.

She was his spitting image. She was a tall and slender child for being three, with his face, though her eyes were her mothers yet the penetrating gaze that seemed to burn into him and see his everything...that gaze was his. The wild brown hair was also his, though hers was long and she wore a bow. She was so clearly his and the fascination of that made him speechless in wonder.

"Daddy...?" she let go of Rose's hand and stepped toward the Doctor.

The Doctor smiled widely and opened his mouth to say 'oh yes'...but he stopped, he wasn't. He was, but he wasn't. Her daddy was dead. His smile fell and he stayed firmly in place.

"Eden..." Rose put a hand on her shoulder keeping her from advancing further, then looked to the Doctor, "She's my genius child, so exactly like..." Rose's voice broke, then she shook her head dismissing it "...she's three, but brilliant, nothing but fantastically brilliant..."

Eden turned to look at her mother, Rose scooped her into her up and slung her on hip, "Eden sweetheart...do you remember the stories that I used to tell you... About the wonderful man that traveled all up in the stars? The wonderful man in the blue box?"

Eden's bright eyes, her mother's eyes but a little lighter, a little bit more serious... Her mother's eyes were melted chocolate or hot coffee, Eden's were a strong cup of tea, the Doctor thought fleetingly.

"Yes mummy," Eden grinned, "That wonderful man is Daddy! You went with him too, didn't you mummy?"

The Doctor saw the tears starting in Rose's eyes, "Yes, I did. Well my darling...you know that this man isn't...well he isn't the Daddy that you know...you know that Daddy...that Daddy died..."

The Doctor watched Rose lose her composure and tears flood her cheeks. He wanted to do something but he very clearly had no idea what it was he could do.

Eden seemed to know though. The Doctor watched with curiosity and amazement at the little girl. Eden lifted a small hand and calmly laid it against her mother's cheek. The Doctor was so incredibly curious, it was his curiosity that compelled him to move to them.

His curiosity and the draw of the little girl's telepathic link.

"Brilliant...just brilliant," he found himself saying under his breath in wonder.

Eden was showing her mother...showing her all that her father, that John had apparently shared with her. The girl was simply amazing. So open, so pure...so human and so much Time Lord. She was so advanced for her age. If he knew anything about human children...and Time Lord children, and he did, little Eden was positively astonishing. Her intellect was so advanced... She was still very much a child, but still, extraordinary.

That she had such mastery over the telepathic link...sure, it was raw and largely driven by contact...but she could transmit and that was...that was bloody brilliant.

Rose's John...his clone, had shown Eden a beautiful little story. A story about a little girl that was so loved, so wonderful and so special that she needed two daddies to love her. That she was so special and wonderful and loved that her daddy was two people...but the same person.

He had to hand it to himself...well, to John, he had given her a simple, easy and child appropriate explanation. And brilliant little Eden completely understood it.

She was showing her mother that she knew that this man...this man from the blue box was her father just like her daddy was. Children were so amazing.

None more so than Eden, he was very certain of that. She was clearly incredible and the most brilliant child, ever. Obviously.

Eden and Rose shared a look, one that the Doctor didn't follow but Rose nodded and stood Eden back on the ground.

The Doctor watched in curiosity as Eden crossed the short distance between them holding Rose's hand. She was so clearly three, but the human eyes so like her mother had the far off, knowing look of a Time Lord. She knew and understood so much already.

The Doctor kneeled down, meeting his daughter for the first time face to face.

They just looked for a while. Looked with ancient and new eyes, respectively. Perhaps silently picking out the things they recognized, perhaps just breathing and getting acquainted with the newness of each other.

Eden thought that while he looked like her Daddy, felt like her Daddy...he thought a little...funny, but it sure felt just like her Daddy. He smelled different though. Not bad different, just...different. She liked his hair though, it did that funny sticking out thing hers did, just like her Daddy's. This was her Dad, she knew that, not her Daddy, but he was hers all the same.

The Doctor, for his part was simply...awed. All through time and space, through all the things he had seen, the glories of the a thousand galaxies and nothing came close to comparing to seeing his flesh and blood, seeing a little girl so himself, so Rose...so everything wonderful and beautiful and...perfect.

They continued to stare, and probably would have continued long into the night, but this was the Doctor, and his daughter, neither were terribly fond of being still for too long. Eden made the first move. The only move that was really needed.

It was the best move.

Father and daughter they were indeed.

They both loved hugs.

The Doctor was surprised by the little girl launching herself carefully at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing tight. Her warmth, her soft little body in his arms. It was a bit like a punch to the stomach.

Emotions rolled in waves around him.

She did transfer by touch, any touch. Pictures became clearer than they had been before. She was showing him her childhood so far. Every memory with her Daddy, he could already pick up that she though of them as the same, but different. Daddy...and Dad.

He was her father.

Her favorite color was blue...except on days when it was pink.

She also liked yellow an awful lot.

She liked to ride her rocking horse. She pretended it was magical unicorn that danced on rainbows.

Her mummy didn't like it when she drew on the walls, but the paper was just too small for all that she wanted to draw, all that she saw when she dreamed.

Her favorite food was bananas, they were yellow too.

She thought Saturn was the prettiest planet, her Daddy had shown her maps of the stars and in the pictures it was sort of pink...and had pretty rings.

She had a goldfish once, she named it Spotty...though it was more striped.

The Doctor found that he had unexplained tears in his eyes as the hug continued on. This was his little girl...she had lost her Daddy but she...she was embracing him, loving him anyway.

"...my name is Eden, I'm three...I love you Dad."

Eden was beaming as she pulled away from him.

The Doctor was quite a glorious mess as he looked at her. Tears were very freely falling and his face glowed, though it was splotchy from the tears.

"Hello, Eden...I'm...well," he drew out with a flicker of a look to Rose, who stood still behind Eden her own face full of tears, she gave a wondrous shrug, "I'm your Dad and I'm just thrilled to be meeting you."

Rose, Eden and the Doctor quietly went about the day. Whether it was quiet because none really knew what to say, or because there was too much to say they weren't quite sure. Rose had sent Sarah home quietly with her thanks and a promise to call then went about making tea and a few things for a late breakfast, well it was lunch now really, for herself and the Doctor, Sarah had taken care of Eden.

Rose busied herself in the kitchen after putting Eden down for a nap, for more distraction than actual duty. Though she had, over the years prided herself on being a wonderful hostess and housewife. She had wanted to take full advantage of the domestic path...since stars and adventures had been rather removed from her life.

Not that she regretted it. It hadn't been originally the life she had planned, had chosen, but it wasn't bad. Not at all.

The pictures that the Doctor was gazing at certainly proved that.

The walls were covered with so many pictures. Vacations. Birthday parties. So many pictures of Eden.

The wedding.

For some reason those ones made the Doctor's hearts clutch in an unfavorable way. It rather almost hurt looking at Rose in her wedding dress...she was, in a word, resplendent. He looked quizzically at the man, at himself, standing next to her...It was exactly like looking in the mirror, but so much more eerie. He looked happy. Nay, he looked blissful and in awe...and so very happy.

The Doctor wasn't sure he had ever looked that way.

So many years, so many memories, so many emotions and highs and lows.

This was the slow path. This was the domestic path. This was one timeline, lived sequentially. Lived obviously emphatically and wonderfully.

One life, one love...they had spent it together.

He remembered none of it...except, perhaps he did.

The longer he stared at the wedding picture, the newborn picture of Eden, he felt twinges, like there was something he remembered but didn't actually have the memory file to access. It was like remembering something he didn't know to begin with and it was maddening.

He remembered feeling pride, terror, hope, joy, overwhelming love...awe, on the day Eden was born.  
Love, so much love, lust, all encompassing love, expectation, joy, fear, excitement..and awe, on the day he married Rose.

Except of course, _he _hadn't married Rose. John had. John had had these feelings, have lived this life, not him, but he had the feelings. Not the memories, not the life...oh, but he had the feelings.

"Bloody clone..." the Doctor muttered under his breath.

"I'm sorry?" Rose picked that moment to come in carrying a tray full of tea and biscuits.

"Nothing...nothing, never mind," the Doctor helped her situate the tray on the coffee table in the living room.

They fixed their tea and took biscuits, though neither was particularly hungry.

"Eden Victoria Egann... EVE," the Doctor finally broke the silence as he look down at the baby book that was stacked on the side table next to him.

Rose sipped at her tea, "Yeah, wasn't planned... I picked Eden... John," she hesitated again around the name with a hissing intake of breath, "John, liked Victoria which I liked too as it reminded me of..."

"Werewolf," the Doctor found an unbidden smile on his face, he was so secretly pleased to see Rose was smiling too around her cup.

"Yeah... Of course we didn't quite think though Eden Egann...that is going to plague her terribly in school I'm afraid," Rose sighed, "Her instals being EVE, while as I said, not on purpose is kind of...fitting. She's the first Time Lord / human child, at least ...John thought she was, unless..." Rose hesitated and let her sentence trail off.

If they were able to have figured out how to marry human and Time Lord DNA, who knew who else had.

"Yeah, it is fitting...and yes, Eden is the first Time Lord / human child. They still haven't, and won't figure out how to do that, at least not in the other universe. Though Rose, you're human but you've extraordinary genes...someone like you has never happened before. The odds, they are not only improbable but nearly impossible. I would be very interested in seeing the research."

Rose nodded silently and the Doctor got the distinct feeling he had said something wrong.

"She is rather impossible...isn't she. She's wonderful though..." Rose finally stated.

The Doctor quirked an eyebrow, "Oh yes, she is wonderful...so very wonderful."

Rose bit her lip, "It's so surreal to have you here...it's...it's unnerving actually. I keep catching you out of the corner of my eye and jumping, it's like..." well she didn't have to say what it was like.

"I'm sorry...am I making you uncomfortable?" the Doctor asked in genuine concern.

"No, no, not uncomfortable exactly...it's weird, I'll say that, but uncomfortable isn't the right word...I could never be uncomfortable with you Doctor."

The Doctor nodded, he believed that. In all things Rose was fair and just, she could accept impossible when it was presented to her as obvious fact. She wouldn't judge or blame, she understand and accepted. He was something impossible after all.

"How long will you stay?" she finally voiced the question he thought she might have been stewing on for some time.

Truth was, he had no idea. Now that he had seen Eden, had touched her...and seen how much she was indeed a part of him...now that he had Rose back...now that Rose had no one left really except him and Eden... She would need help with Eden obviously. It would be hard operating in a world where no one knew who were truly, and anyone that did would surely die and break her heart over and over again.

The Doctor knew that pain, knew it well...he would not wish that on anyone.

But what was the alternative?

He could stay? No, no he couldn't. That wasn't what a Time Lord was meant to do, disrupt an alternate universe where a Time Lord never existed before. No, he couldn't stay, this wasn't his place. This had been John's place, John's home...not his.

Rose and Eden could come with him... Yes, it would be dangerous and he was fairly certain that while the TARDIS wouldn't, well probably wouldn't, mind having a child on board again that it would, probably, be considered questionable parenting to raise a child in the Time Vortex.

But this child, his child, was part Time Lord. She was made of that stuff, of stars and time...she was made for it.

And Rose? His Rose loved adventures...she loved...well that was just it, she loved. She had been happy with him, in the stars once, perhaps she could be again. Perhaps she'd like to be back, back among the stars.

Maybe, maybe they could all three be together and happy...He was the last, Rose was the only...and Eden, she was the first. Maybe they could all be together.

The Doctor quietly thought in fractions of moments, how did he ask? How did he suggest? He was never one for tactful conversations, as Rose was well aware.

"I was just thinking..." he started to say but was cut off by a blood curdling scream.

Rose jumped, it was Eden, and like a shot she was rushing up the stairs.

Eden Victoria Egann had nightmares. Ones she couldn't always remember once awakened, and she didn't have them all the time, but when she did nothing but a fierce hug from her Daddy and his lulling back to sleep or rewarding her with a wonderful story if they happened during her nap, would calm her.

"Doctor...I might need you..." Rose called, hesitating at the top of the landing. The Doctor needed no further asking, he was at her side directly.

"Eden baby...it's a nightmare, it's okay mummy's here baby girl..." Rose gathered Eden up.

The little girl hugged her back, "I want Daddy! I need Daddy! Where's Daddy!" Eden cried voice thick and watery with her tears.

The Doctor for not the first time in his life felt helpless as he watched.

"Daddy's gone baby...you know that...remember, he's gone...up in the stars now and watching over us... It's okay though, he's watching over you right now, making sure nothing bad will ever happen... Isn't that right Doctor?" Rose looked pointedly at him.

The Doctor, with hands thrust deep in his pockets as he cleared his throat, "Quite right...you see Eden," he sat down on the other side of Rose and Eden, "Your daddy and me...and you," he used a finger to gently tip her face up to look at him from where it peeked out from her mothers chest, "Are Time Lords...we are made up of stars...and we travel the stars...all over the universe! And you can be very, very, very sure that your Daddy is looking out for you...and so is your Mummy..." he hesitated, eyes flicking up to me Rose's before dropping back to his little girl, "And so am I. We will never let anything bad happen to you and that is a promise."

Eden's tears had stopped and she now directed her embrace to the Doctor, "Daddy said we were goin' with you, up into the stars...that you comin' for us... Will I see my other Daddy up there?" she whispered.

The Doctor swallowed hard, "No I'm afraid not, your Daddy was a very wonderful person and I know a very, very, good Daddy...and he did make sure that I'd be here to help out and always take care of you...and your mummy but I'm sorry...you won't see him."

Eden nodded very solemnly for a three year old, very resigned, "But you'll be with us right? For forever and ever?" she lifted both her chubby, still baby, hands to frame his face and peered at him intently, intensely, she was looking directly into him.

The Doctor, looking back into eyes just like his Rose, so trusting and loving...so pure and genuine thought back to when this little girls mother had said what he was about to say to her. She had promised him, he would promise her back, promise their daughter. This time neither hell, nor time rifts or Dalek's would make him break it.

"Forever..." he caught Rose's gaze, it was her turn to cry, "and ever my darling, Eden. Forever and ever."

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**AN: **Okay, so lately I've been in the interview process for a new job, blah, and it's seriously draining me so if you're reading any other stories besides this one I WILL be updating, I promise, just this New Year is beating the crap out of me so far! UGH! But I will be updating this story and my all others that are in progress...just probably not consistently :) Much Love! - RA


	3. The Ghosts That We Knew

**AN: **So whether it was by accident, or design I'm still trying to figure out but this story is kind of naturally grouping it's self into 'sections' if you will. This is the start of section '2' which I've come to call 'Ghosts'. This is chapter 3 of the story, and chapter 1 of section 2.

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**Chapter Three: The Ghosts That We Knew**

Eden was finally resting peacefully. Rose didn't think she'd wake again, she may even sleep through the night, the little girl had had a rough few months and even rougher few weeks.

"How often does she get those?" the Doctor asked, running his hand through his hair, letting it rest on the back of his neck.

Rose folded her herself, legs tucked under her, into the corner of the sofa, the doctor sitting opposite her. She took her time arranging the throw blanket from the back of the sofa over legs and picked up her now nearly icy tea.

"Last year was the worst but she's always struggled with them in some way. John tried to figure out what was causing them...but never could," she paused, "He at one point believed it was his memories, of Gallifrey. He thought that maybe his Time Lord DNA, which he said something about memories… memories being etched into the DNA...something about how it had to be that way because of the regenerations...couldn't store memories in the 'brain' so it was in the DNA...I don't know, I don't understand it, at all. But he thought that maybe since she was conceived and born rather than loomed or genetically engineered that his DNA carried over some of his stronger memories and that while her human DNA can compensate and block them out during the day... at night, when the body is at rest, he thought that maybe they manifested themselves as the nightmares..."

"He tried to look, telepathically, but he said there was a door, a locked door that he couldn't get through. He thinks...thought," her voice broke as she changed the tense, "That it was her minds defense against it...she never really remembers her nightmares when she really wakes up and then her mind keeps them locked behind a door."

The Doctor had a hard time hiding his intrigue, he had the distinct feeling he shouldn't show his excitement over the mystery.

"It's okay, John was fascinated as well. I know how you - both of you work ya know. You love a beautiful puzzle...just don't forget that she's 3 - she's a child, a part emotional, squishy, tender human...and she's your daughter. Don't forget that."

The Doctor felt strange little flutters around his hearts as Rose said 'your daughter'; it was a strange but not at all an unwelcome feeling.

"Rose, I swear those facts I could never forget. She does fascinate me. Everything about her, from those tiny hands, to her smile so like yours, the fact looking at her is like looking in a mirror. Her warm hugs, the way she already has created this...this love in me that I don't even know what to do with... Everything about her fascinates me, not just these nightmares and while the DNA theory does indeed intrigue me, there's never been anything like it before, this little girl fascinates me for all reasons."

"She's extraordinary Rose, and you're right, she's bloody brilliant too. I know I've only known her a few hours but I'm falling in love with her..." the Doctor sounded completely in awe over his admission, "She brilliant and she's just...she's just..." he struggled to find the right words to capture everything that he was feeling and thinking, "She's so _us_."

Rose sighed loudly and started crying.

The Doctor fidgeted on his end of sofa, "You're going to have to help me out here Rose… What did I say wrong? Was I being rude? I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm a bit out of practice with all this, haven't had anyone much to get on me about it…"

Rose shook her head at him, "Oh just shut up, you stupid, stupid man," she muttered throwing aside the blanket and launching herself at him.

"Do you have any idea how much I've missed you? Do you have any idea how much, how often you just say the _right _thing? I've missed you so very much…"

The Doctor was stunned and little puzzled, but held her tightly nonetheless. She held onto him like a lifeline, like he might disappear if she loosened her hold in the slightest. Which, he supposed, he deserved. He had left her more times, had sent her away more times than he even liked to admit to himself.

No wonder she didn't trust him. His hearts hurt a bit as he thought about it.

He had sent her away to save her, to protect her, but he had under estimated her then every time. She came back. Every time she came back.

She had torn into the TADIS to get back to him. By sending her away, by under estimating her then he had inadvertently damned her to this fate she was living now. Doomed her to his eternal existence.

Then there was of course, the times he had stranded her on this world. He had left her, disappeared on her far too many times to be trusted.

The Doctor closed his eyes; he absorbed and enjoyed the weight of the woman in his arms. He had missed her every single second of every single minute of every single hour of his many days and years without her. He never went a moment without her memory wrapping it's self, weaving it's self into it, it had been hell actually, the constant war between remembering and forgetting.

As if he could ever forget though.

A Time Lord got used to losing people, especially when they were the last of their kind. It became a bitter and all too frequent part of his life, the losing people part that is. They learned to go on but they never forgot, not ever.

It didn't help at all that Rose been the first and only companion of his 9th self and stood by him through the transition into this 10th and current version of his self. She was tied up into him like the vines and roses decorating her house. She was almost as much responsible for what he was as he was. She had been there, there chastising him, praising him, adoring him, inspiring him and comforting him.

Rose had shaped this regeneration of his self so completely. She was his everything. Everything they had been together had shaped him. She kept him in check. She taught the Great Time Lord to be human and how he had relished it. How much the Time Lord with something of god complex wanted to be human.

Rose was the only person his entire long existence that he had wished he could be human for, that he would have given up immortality for.

She was the only person he had ever fallen in love with. It had made giving her up, letting her go, leaving her behind the hardest things he had ever done.

He had honestly done it thinking he was doing the right thing.

"I'm sorry, so sorry for what you're going through Rose Tyler, so very sorry," he pulled her away from his chest and cupped her face with his hands, his thumb brushing away a stray tear.

Rose covered his hands with her own, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to tamp back the tears, "I know. I'm so confused by all of this. I just don't even know how to feel, how to grieve…how to…anything."

The Doctor pulled her back to him, her face tucked against his chest.

"I know, I know…"

For some inexplicable reason the Doctor found he was rocking her.

"I can't, I just…Doctor I'm _angry_, I'm angry and I'm bitter. Why do I keep going through this? Why do I keep losing _you_?"

Even as the words were flying from her lips she was jerking away from him.

She hesitated as she bit her bottom lip; she decided to throw caution and discretion to wind. Holding her tongue had never been her strong suit. She needed to clear the air.

"I was in love with you. Doctor, I told you I loved you! I gave up everything for you. I would have gladly, happily, died with you. I would have given you every single one of my years, in fact in my mind I already had. I had already decided and pledged that I was going to spend my entire life with you. I decided it the moment you first told me that it was just you, traveling the galaxy alone. I swore that you would never be along again so long as I was alive…"

"But you couldn't even say you loved me back. I know you felt something for me; actually I know you loved me. You and John are, were, the same person and he loved me as I didn't even know a person could be loved. Do you know what it's like to be loved to the very single cell your body was made from? That's how you loved me. That's how John loved me… But you couldn't say it. You couldn't admit it to me."

"I wouldn't change a single thing, not one, not ever, even if I could. I know things happen for a reason, that some things had to happen and that some things were simply unavoidable and I wouldn't change them but Doctor I wanted you to _fight_ for me! I wanted you to show me, tell me that I meant something to you!"

The Doctor didn't know what to say or that he could have said it, if he had known what to say.

"I worked continuously to get back to you. I poured my everything into it. Did you try to get back to me? Even once? Did you try? You burned up a sun to say goodbye, did you try burning one up to get me back?"

"I know that I was counted dead back…back home, but you could have found a way, a way for us to be together! I know you could have! That is what _you _do! You solve the impossible for everyone else…but you couldn't fight for me?" Rose really didn't know why everything was deciding to pour out of her now. Years of repressed and ignored and locked away emotions rushing forth in a tear stained, overwhelming monologue.

The Doctor silently took it.

"I finally tore my way back to you, I finally was able to look up and see you at the other side of the road and know I was home. That I was back to you, where I belonged, back with my Doctor."

"How much I loved you still. It was you, always you. You since I was 19 years old. I've spent my entire life loving you, in one form or another and then you…you left me again," she finished; the last words almost inaudibly quiet.

"I didn't know how to keep you. I did know about…well about your lack of aging. I only knew that I had caused you so much pain, so much strife and hurt. I thought in some ways leaving you here…the first time, not fighting to get you back was the best thing I could do, that here you were safe from being hurt and that you could really have a life."

"I would have taken you back…I would have taken you back and kept you so very gladly when we were reunited again…but I couldn't offer you a real life. Not really. Your small human life deserved to have everything in it, the things you wanted, not only the things I was chasing across the universe. I knew I couldn't give you a real, human, domestic life. I couldn't give you stable home, kids and you never could have returned to London. All your family was here…and then there was John."

"He was everything I couldn't be for you. He was everything I wished that I could be for you…and I thought that maybe by leaving you both here that I was giving you everything; me and the domestic life I thought you wanted."

"Do _you _have idea how desperately I wanted to be human for _you_? How badly I wanted a family with you? As crazy as your mother, Mickey, Pete were, they were my family. You all were my family. I wanted to keep that so badly, but I am not human Rose. I couldn't start a life with you, not a real life, not one that you or I would have been happy with. You couldn't have domestic with me and I would lose. One day I would have had to watch you die, no matter what, so I did what I thought was best for everyone," the Doctor was surprised to hear hostility and resentment in his voice. He had been hurt too. It wasn't just her. He had been hurt by doing what he thought was right too.

It wasn't just Rose. She at least got to have John; she got a happy ending, of a sort.

"We were impossible! Rose, I couldn't be human and you couldn't be anything but. I gave you the best I could. I gave you me, as much as I could. Neither of us knew about the…extenuating circumstances."

Rose pulled her lips in, biting down to feel the pain, to keep herself connected to the moment, to keep the rushing deep pain in heart from carrying her away, "I know…I _know_! But Doctor you didn't even fight for me! You could have…" she covered her face with her hands, chest heaving as words, his and hers swirled together making her again, terribly confused.

The Doctor stood and began to pace, he felt like his insides were being torn apart. She wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know, hadn't already been haunted by.

"I'm sorry Rose. I'm very sorry," he had no other words to use. He knew every language used across the universe, across the galaxies and while there were a million words for "I'm sorry", they all meant the same thing, and they all were just as useless in expressing the depth of the thing were supposed to convey.

Sorrow. Regret. Forgiveness. Despair.

"I know…so am I," she finally spoke standing to face him.

They stared each other down, eyes perhaps doing more talking then their words had. The eyes were far better at expressing when words failed.

So were hugs.

The Doctor spread his arms opens just a bit in a gesture of consolation and welcome. Rose gave a teary half smile and moved into the waiting embrace.

"I've lived well here, I love John with my everything and as I said, I wouldn't have changed and I wouldn't change anything…it all lead to Eden. I think while I got over you, to a degree I mean…you and John are, were, the same person so I couldn't exactly 'get over' you…I did need these years but I have always been plagued by why you just gave up on me so easily…"

The Doctor started to respond but Rose interrupted, it would do no good to keep going in that circle, they needed to finally let those ghosts rest, "John never believed that I accepted that you and he were truly the same, but I did you know. I grasped it and I understood. I think I understand, in my heart why you did what you did…"

Rose couldn't seem to get close enough; she craved the touch she had been missing – consciously and unconsciously for years.

"You and John were…the same man. Different side of the same coin in some respects, after a while I mean, he changed some, of course he did but the same man, always the same man. John and I, for 35 years lived a life you and I never could have, you're right, and I wouldn't give up those years…and I won't try and share them with you. Those are mine and John's," she had finally grasped hold of a thought and was adamant on it, "But from here on out? I want you to know you are so very welcome in our life. That things can change…and Eden…" she hesitated pulling back to watch his face, "Don't feel obligated by what I'm going to say. I've missed you _so _much and seeing you…it's more wonderful than I can even begin to say but I got over you once and I can and will recover from losing John, if for no other reason than for Eden."

"But while I'll recover, Eden is just 3 and she just lost her father. She is part Time Lord and she's part human. She is going to have so many questions that while I can attempt to answer I will certainly at some point answer wrong or just not have the answers at all. She needs her dad, she needs you. I need you to know you are welcome and wanted in our lives for however long you want…or can be…I want you…" her eyes locked onto his, dark coffee boring into dark ancient tea…years may have passed in that moment they stared at each other.

"For Eden…and me. No pressure though because I also want you to know that we'll get along no matter what. We expect nothing we demand nothing… We will put behind us the past and move forward, I want you to know that, that whatever you chose, Eden and I will be fine and we'll not be resentful. I…I think I've just realized I forgave you a long time ago for what happened in our past…but I just needed to clear the air here… I've loved you too fondly, too deeply, to do other wise…and I guess I just want to avoid that hurt again…if you leave us, I'll understand this time."

The Doctor was stock still, his hearts warring between anger, desperation, joy, humiliation and bewilderment.

"You think I would just leave you? Again? Really? That I would leave you alone, that I would leave _our daughter_? You don't know me as well as I thought you did Rose Tyler! Now that I'm here, that I know…I could never leave you. Not again. I've already done it more times than I want to think about."

Rose nodded, "I know that. And I know you. I've ben intimately acquainted with _you_ for close to 50 years, counting our time before John. I feel fairly safe in saying I probably know you better than any being ever has and I know you do the right thing. Always. You with your somewhat god like complex believe you are responsible for everything. You believe that your judgment is just a bit better than everyone else's…and most the time you're right but what I'm telling you is don't be in our lives because of obligation or guilt. Don't feel like…"

The Doctor couldn't take it any longer. He covered her mouth with his hand, "You listen here and listen well Rose Tyler. Firstly, you and Eden are an obligation. Not a bad obligation," he was quick to clarifying when her eyes shot him daggers and she tried to pull away from him, "You're my _family_, we are now a family…a family I didn't believe was possible and I'm not still trying to get straight how we're going to do this…but a good man always has a duty to his family, an obligation to keep them safe, to love them and care for him… This is a duty and an obligation he loves and is proud of… I may not be a good man but I so very glad for you and for our daughter. I'm glad to have a duty to you."

"Secondly, performing this duty and fulfilling this obligation couldn't never be done out of guilt. I'm fiercely proud, as you know…" he tipped his head scrunching his face a bit, "Well, I'm really a bit arrogant too…I never do anything I don't want to. Whatever we decide, we decide together…and I'm here for it all. Period. Got that Rose Tyler?"

Rose Tyler-Egann breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe they were going to be all right. Maybe…just maybe the ghosts that had kept them fighting and warring were truly finding rest.

She would always carry John with her, and she certainly wasn't letting him go, and she would never 'get over' him, not John, not ever. This was different. This wasn't even part of what she and John had. No, not really. She would still have to grieve and mourn John, right now, these moments; these were letting go of the past with the Doctor, the ghosts of pain and pent up sadness. Those ghosts, those were the ones passing tonight.

_So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_

_'Cause oh that gave me such a fright_

_But I will hold as long as you like_

_Just promise me we'll be alright_

_So lead me back, turn south from that place_

_And close my eyes to my recent disgrace_

_'Cause you know my call_

_And we'll share my all_

_And our children come and they will hear me roar_

_-Mumford & Sons_

* * *

**AN: **Hope y'all like that…I kind of did, a lot. I think Rose and the Doctor needed to clear the air and I think they needed to establish a beginning. They are very good at endings and their middles aren't so bad…and that very first beginning with Rose and 9 was quite lovely…but they've grown a lot since then, they needed a chance to start over in this new perspective and maybe put to rest some of the ghosts…

**Chapter 4** (**chapter 2 of Ghosts**) will be titled **Will Flicker From View. **Expect that before too terribly long :)

Thank you all SO much for the love, reviews, follows and favorites…I truly do appreciate them, even if I haven't gotten back to replying. My plate has been rather full as of late and I've neglected my review replies terribly, please don't hold that against me too harshly.

**Another note, I've started a Fan Fic / Random Fandom blog…it would be lovely to see you all over there… I have grand visions for it…where all of us Whovians and SuperWhoLocks and ect ect ect can gather and ramble and speculate and share… but can't do it without you so hope to see over there…the link to the blog is on my profile :)**

Until later lovelies! -RA


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